Route Backwards

My father was an alpha male. A mans man was how most people described him. Unfortunately I only got a glimpse of his alphaness; my father died when I was very young. My mother did not anticipate this, and she did her best to raise five children on her own. My mother was always close to her mother so a lot of my upbringing was influenced by my grandmother. Unfortunately my grandmother was a whore her whole life, and in turn a feminist-type who believed that masculine men were what was wrong with society, and that effeminate men were the right model of what being a man should be.

Even before my father passed, I was a very emotional child. I embodied peoples pain by simple glances. I learned I was emotionally gifted. Being emotionally gifted is the single biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life, because social situations can not only liven me up within seconds of me entering them, but they can also drain me just as quick and push me into avoiding them all together. My grandmother, whether she was consciously aware of it or not, tried to mold me into what feminists everywhere would say is the perfect little boy. A pussy.

With that being said, I am still my fathers son. I do believe heredity influenced a lot of my urges and demeanor, and in turn I would gawk at women in bikinis or get into a scuffle with children at school. My grandmother made me feel bad about finding women attractive, and she made me feel bad about defending myself physically when it came to schoolyard bullies. To her that was wrong and I was simply a victim of societies idea of manhood. I believed this, and spent much of my youth basking in the emotional intensities of my environment. My mother respected my grandmothers opinion and agreed with a lot of what my grandmother would tell me.

High school was hell. I either avoided women at all costs because I was afraid I would say something wrong to offend them, or I would get “let’s just be friends” from the ones that I did talk to. I did not understand, I thought me being more emotionally receptive and outwardly focused on peoples well being that I was the female dream. My grandmother had me believe this, and my mother assumed I would find the “one.”

Having an older brother who did take the alpha traits of my father did help me. I would start talking more crudely to women, but that just made me seem weird to them, because no matter how much I wanted to tease or charm them, I internalized the feminist notion of feminine being the most right way to be. Of course my older brother would belittle my feminine behavior, and I believed that it was the fact that he lost our father that he acted that way and that I was lucky to not have experienced as much of my father as he did since I was on the “right” route to manhood.

Until one summer day two of the females who “let’s-just-be-friends’ed” me, and a couple other beta-bitch-boy orbiters, were walking to grab food after school. The two females are discussing how they are seeing these new guys and to some degree I am jealous because I wished for either of them that I was that guy. I awkwardly laugh and try to offer support in the form of “that’s great guys!” The one female turns to me and says. “You’re never going to get a girlfriend are you?” and she laughs, and continues, “Well like, maybe one day a girl will find you attractive enough to date you.” The other girl tells her that’s mean, and at that moment I felt like I was about to cry. I cut our meal short and headed home. I was no longer sad. I was pissed off.

For the first time I realized that the feminine idea of being a man was wrong, and I realized I was a joke to women because of it. For awhile I still endured being belittled by this same female, but I started to internalize that as a motivation to do something with my sex life. I started ignoring her banter, but I was still lost. I did not know what the fuck to do with myself as much as I knew I wanted to do something.

One lonely Saturday I did a quick internet search of, “how to get out of the friendzone.” I believe I found an article by David DeAngelo. This changed my life. I quickly saved it and then found David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating book. Neg theory was eye opening. I already had the idea of “negging” when I was younger, but I was told that was wrong. Then I read The Game, and I was set. I realized everything I was told to suppress, I already had and it was only a matter of learning to utilize them.

While I certainly learned about game and learned different methods to approaching it, I knew deep down inside I already had these natural urges and charm. While some use game material for personality building, I used it to help me uncover what my personality always was and be confident with using it.

It helped me take a route backwards to who I always was. I started selling weed, buying nicer clothes, taking care of my appearance, working out and generally try being more social with women. The time I invested started to pay off, and I realized for the first time in my life that I could be liked by women. It was a high I never thought I would feel, and one I now cannot live without. I’ve failed a lot, and I still get rejected even now, but through the rejection, I have gained acceptance. Not just acceptance from women, but acceptance from myself in knowing that I have all the tools to accomplish what I need to do in life. Through it all, I would like to stress that I am not some ridiculous pick up artist who grabs women with a single glance, but I do well enough to feel confident in what I preach, and confident in feeling attractive to women and being content with myself.

My grandmother will see my posts on various social networking sites and act disgusted, or respond to what I write about as being misogynistic, but I realize she is just a slave to the society that raised her. She is going through the motions to reinforce her agenda of feminine superiority, and while I love the woman, I realize that our values do not match and because of that we will never be on a level the suggests a family unit beyond biology. My mother however, she loves me unconditionally and appreciates the route I have embarked on as a man, and I will always hold her dearly because of that.

Now, while that female who hurt me ages ago snarks at the route I have traveled on, In some way I must thank her. For without her throwing me into the pits of depression, I would not have climbed out as a knowledgeable gentleman of game. This route has given me personal growth, fulfillment and a sense of worth as a human being, and most importantly, it has given me fulfillment as a man.  While some spit on this route, and wish that I would have turned around, I was determined to get to my destination, and the destination has been far more fulfilling than any praise I have received from acting feminine.

The route backwards has been the best thing I have ever embarked on.

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